|
[6.17.06 - 11.39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
i've never felt more alone.
zach just dumped me. well, rather told me he never wanted to talk to me again.
please don't ask why or for the story, because it's far too complicated and confusing
for me to even begin to explain to you. and frankly, if i had the answers of WHY myself,
then maybe i wouldn't be crying so hard right now.
i just lost my boyfriend and my best friend all in one. and he never even wants to talk
to me again.
i think a part of me just died inside. AGAIN.
i don't know how much more of this i can take..
i give up. for a long time. maybe forever.
i feel like i'm about to just go to sleep and never wake up.
maybe that'd be best right now.
zach; i'm sorry i'm such a terrible person.
i'm sorry i failed you.
all i ever wanted was for you to be happy.
for you to feel loved and cared for, because you certainly were and still are.
i wish i could go back and re-do everything-- i'd make us right again.
i'd turn back to clock to when everything was fine just last week!
to when we were lying on freddy' floor and talking about all the wonderful
plans we had for when you got back from training.
and now all of that is gone-- i fucked it all up.
*poof* it's all old news and i'm just left here, feeling like i'm rotting away.
i really hope you don't hold this hate for me forever, because you were my world.
--bawling-- i have to go, before i make myself want to throw up anymore than i already do.
~ amber.
|
|
| -- i'm starting to love this job! -- |
[6.15.06 - 6.05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
skin- rascall flatts |
] |
life has had it's fair shares of ups and downs for me lately.
i've had many good times.
and quite a few bad.
as of now, i don't know where zach and i stand in our relationship.
it's a long story and i'm not going to lie, I'M SCARED TO DEATH HE'S GOING
TO LEAVE ME SOON.
but one good thing is that i started my nanny job, and i love these kids to death.
here's a glimpse as to why--
( folsom lake nannying )
|
|
| -- the truth will set you free -- |
[5.24.06 - 6.41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
If I died tomorrow, you would never ever get a chance to see me ever again...
What are 5 things you would want me to
know before I died? It can be anything.
1]
2]
3]
4]
5]
What would 5 questions be that you have been wanting to ask me? They can be anything.
1]
2]
3]
4]
5]
If I died, would you come to my funeral?
If I died, would you cry?
If I died, would you forget me eventually?
If I died, what would be going through your head?
If I died, would you tell me you loved me before I died?
Would you mean it?
If I died, would you regret anything you said to me?
If I died, would you regret anything you said about me?
If I died, would you be wishing you told me
something that you haven't already told me?
If I died, what would be your last memory of me?
If I died, what would you remember me by?
If I died tomorrow, I would want to
know your true feelings about me.
What are your complete feelings
about me, up to this day?
|
|
| -san francisco fiasco- |
[2.26.06 - 6.26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
as said to emuhleigh, cuz' i'm too lazy to re-type.
-sigh- well, my mom called me late friday night asking if i'd go with them to san fran for her early bday outing and i said sure, so they picked me up at like 11 and we drove up there and it was fun, yadda yadda. well, we left about 8pm and i guess everyone else decided to leave then as well, so we spent LITERALLY 2 hours waiting in line to get out of he parking garage, since we were 4 stories up.. well, the car started over-heating at first (and mind you, this is a BRAND new car they just got) so it started smoking a little, but we thought nothing of it, since it was cold. well, this went on during this whole 2 hour wait.. so we're starting and stopping the car this whole time waiting to get out and my mom's crying and stressing out, cuz' they just spent all this money that they didnt really have on this car and now it was effing up, etc. well, by the time we get up to pay, it was REALLLY smoking (like could barely see out the window) but my step-dad thought it would be okay once we started driving, so we start going and all of a sudden there's this LOUD popping noise and smoke is EVERYWHERE.. the car starts red-lining and we pull over a curb into this parking strip. yeah, so the car won't start and it's like 10pm by this time, blah blah. so my mom and i have to lock ourselves in the car while my step-dad and sisters go find a payphone, since our cells were roaming and eventually we got a tow truck to tow us to a hotel and spent like $85 on towing and $300 on hotel. then we had to walk like 7 blocks this morning to find a store with duct tape and we taped the hose and drove to a kragen all the way in oakland, the whole time smoking is pouring everywhere and finally somewhat fixed it and somehow made it home.
but we all felt nasty and are sick from being out in the cold and rain. and were dirty from not having clean clothes. and now my moms broke for awhile, etc. so things didn't work out as planned.
i got home at like 3 today and now i just feel.. BLAH! i'm off to sleep, cuz' this trip wore me out. but it's certainly good to be back home!
<3 amburh.
|
|
| -im LEGAL- |
[2.19.06 - 10.39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
AMBER SHORES IS NOW LEGAL!!
yay.
happy 18th birthday to me.
will post later with pictures from my day.
grandma's baking me a strawberry cake.
yummy.
-smiles-
love you all.
<3 amburh.
|
|
| -apparently the cool kids do it- |
[2.12.06 - 9.14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
so my birthday is 7 days away.
7 long, drawn out days.
am i excited?
no.
do i wish i was?
yes.
but what's to be excited for when
it's just another day going by. just
another day to mark off the calendar.
and yes, i'm going to be a year older, but
when i look back on my life later on down the
road will i stop and think of february 19th, 2006?
doubtful. there's nothing memorable about it.
yes, i know.. i should be optomistic and all of that, but
it's so hard to pretend to be happy and put on a fake smile
when i'm feeling all of this pain inside of me.
i feel this gaping hole that's longing to be filled by somebody,
but i seem to be too lame or to fugly to find a willing candidate.
but then again, when i think about it..
maybe i DONT want to be with someone, because i really don't feel like
falling for another guys lies and deceit only to get my heart shattered to
the floor once again in a million peices.
i wish someone was holding me right now. cradling me in their arms and making
me feel loved. i deserve that. RIGHT? oh who knows. it's hard to tell anymore.
i've lost most of my old friends.
but for some reason, that hasn't phased me much, because i've gained new and
better ones to fill their place. my two girls are really all i need.
now if only i can fill the other half of my heart.
ugh, i must be a loser. i can't figure any other reason why i'm just sitting here
wishing for SOMEONE to come along that may never come. maybe i'm just setting myself
up for failure. who knows. maybe i'm destined to be alone. for all eternity.
wow, even just typing that gives me chills. i really hope that's not my destiny.
i can't see the screen.
i'm crying again.
it seems that's what i do best lately.
i guess i'll whipe these tears and put this smile back on my face.
maybe then people will THINK i'm doing okay.
but in reality, i may never be "OKAY" again..
</3 amburh.
|
|
| -lifes lows- |
[2.11.06 - 9.46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
its times like these i'm thankful for my wonderful friends..
-sigh-
i just want my life back to nornal.
i hope that's not too much to ask?
<3 amburh.
|
|
| happiness isnt a possibility for me. -tears- |
[2.10.06 - 9.06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
just got told by an ex that he couldn't even begin to summarize
HALF the flaws i have, because the i.m. box isn't big enough.
i feel worthless.
again.
as usual.
i'm sick of fucking crying.
over assholes!
is it so damn bad that i want to be fucking happy?
ive only experienced it once.
a long, long time ago.
and it's become quite apparant by now that it's never going
to happen again.
a girl can dream, i guess.
but whats the point of dreaming about something that's never
going to come true?
there isnt one.
-more tears-
</3 amburh.
|
|
|
[2.9.06 - 6.52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
for good- wicked |
] |
dear air-ika and emuhleigh,
yesterday i re-realized something amazing..
my life would be incomplete without you two at my side!
it also became clear to me that parks are the cool place to hang out (and give emuhleigh bruises at) << EFF casey! ugh, stupid boys. -sigh-
i can honestly say without my girls, i wouldn't be the person i am today. whose to know if i'd even make it to tomorrow. -tears-.. and lately, that's the LAST thing i've felt like doing. so thanks, girlies.. for being my rock and my savior through all of these rough spots in life and lending your hand to pick me up when i'm down and help me through. i love you both more than you'll EVER know! you are simply amazing, each in your own wonderful way. i don't think you realize what an impact a simple smile, hug, or plugging of the nose while saying my name can truly do to brighten my day and i fear i will never be able to repay you for the joy you have brought me. you girls accepted me into your lives, even after the rough start we had in the beginning. you've allowed me into your hearts, to know your deepest secrets, and together we have created memories that i will treasure for all eternity. it frightens me to think of my life without my hhg's in it and i can't see myself allowing that to ever happen. i can honestly say that i love you girls like i've never loved another person.. and nothing can or will ever change that. i just wanted to send thanks ffrom the deepest depths of my soul, even though words can never even begin to describe the amount of appreciation i hold inside of me for you. you both deserve the best in life and i hope you always get exactly that. never change for anyone, because you are perfect the way you are. stay beautiful, perfect, and wonderful. i love you girls.. HHG'S FOREVER AND ALWAYS!
love truly,
amburh shmamber.
|
|
| woohoo go me!! |
[2.4.06 - 12.00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
atleast good things are still happening to me..
this morning i woke up to a banner taped in front of my door that
read; "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMMIE!!" (16 days early, of course)
and in front of it sat a brand new 2g computer, 17" flat screen monitor, and printer.
my grandparents are SO good to me!
making me even more excited for my birthday in 16 days..
i really needed something possitive in my life, so thank goodness for
their generosity.
I LOVE THIS COMPUTER!!
<3 amburh.
|
|
|
[2.2.06 - 10.29pm] |
why must i fucking love someone who wants to marry another person?
my heart sunk down to my toes when i got that text today.
sometimes i think i'm destined to be unhappy.
and i was only with him for 2 years to tease me and show me
what i could have if i was a better person.
i dont know what to do with myself.
tears wont stop flowing every time i think about him and her being
together forever.
her saying the words "i do" when that's supposed to be ME!!
i feel so helpless.
so worthless.
maybe i don't deserve him.
yes, that must be it.
</3 amburh.
|
|
|
[12.24.05 - 3.15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rejuvenated |
] |
It's time for MY dirty little secrets!
( but you have to shh.. )
|
|
| all for my wife... |
[12.14.05 - 4.02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
emily has been harping on me lately about the lack of
entries i have been making, so i decided that maybe she's
right and that i'll make a new one for the first time in like AGES!
( Read more... )
|
|
| School is taking its toll on me... *WHEW*... |
[8.22.05 - 6.47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hawthorne Heights |
] |
Reply with your name and I'll respond with the following about you:
1. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
2. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (maybe/maybe not).
4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
6. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.
|
|
| Warped Tour 2005; <3. |
[7.3.05 - 8.18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blue Burns Orange- Hawthorne Heights |
] |
Went to Warped Tour 2005 in San Francisco yesterday.
The bands themselves were all pretty good, but after walking around the same booths 200 times you pretty much feel like you've seen everything.
Next year I'm going to remember to bring more people, because it's one of those the more the merrier things.
Got a whole bunch of things signed...
Drop Kick Murpheys poster, Hawthorne Heights poster, shirt, and CD signed, and Opiate of the Masses poster signed.
Was overall just a good time, minus a little fight between Mikel and I that occured.
Oh and this part wasn't too fun either...
BEFORE:
and AFTER:
Yeah, so to make a long story short.
I got a LOT bit sun burnt, got a few
cool souveneirs, enjoyed some good
bands, and slept hard last night.
I can't wait for Warped Tour next year.
~ Amber.
|
|
| Friendship is a many splendid thing... <3. |
[6.25.05 - 10.38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 touched |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jem- Maybe I'm amazed |
] |
Sometimes you get so caught up in your own problems that you
forget about the people who are taking time to help you through
those rough times. This entry is to the person who has continuously
been there for me, through thick and thin. I wouldn't have been able
to do it without you.
FOR JENNIFER.... <3.
( FOR MY BEST FRIEND... )
|
|
|
[6.6.05 - 3.22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Country, for a change... |
] |
I think things are getting better.
I might have him back now.
I need to work on myself.
I can't lose him EVER again.
Thank you, God!
♥ ...
Ps) Mom's still not doing good.
|
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a_n_k's journal